Dissatisfied. Displeased. Discontent. Disgruntled.
Simply failing to provide something expected or desired.
Me 2013-2015:
BOOM!
It seemed I was unsatisfied with everything that was occurring in my life: I was at my heaviest weight, the goals I set for myself at the beginning of the year were written down, but not accomplished, my to-do list never got done, and I had not taken any action towards the betterment of myself. I had just married my best friend, but I wasn’t mastering all the tasks that come along with that title. Life just kept going, going, going… “Life just kept going, going, going… “I” wanted the world to stop because “I” wasn’t happy. My finances were a wreck, school loans were due (and still are), other bills kept rolling in (and still are), and I was averaging near 50 hours a week at work!
WHEW! LIFE!
I remember waking up several times in 2015 dissatisfied with EVERYTHING! Nothing I ate, saw, did, or accomplished at worked seemed to mean anything! I was walking through life like a zombie; just going with the flow, living day to day and expecting a change to magically “fall” into my lap. I mean, I deserved it, right? I go to church, I love the Lord, I respect others, I help the needy, I serve… “I”… “I” …. “I” …. I realized, and acknowledged, “I” was depressed. YES, me! The person always smiling and giving and hoping and believing for the best.
My husband lost his mother. Suddenly, my church of over 10 years had lost our earthly angel, Pastor Minnie. It was all unbelievably unreal that someone (other than my natural family) who took the time to personally invest in me, pray for me, open her home and family to me was gone in the blink of an eye. This woman of God showed not only me, but also my family the love of God that I’ve never felt from any other person in my life. She taught me how to cheerfully give, undoubtedly love, wholeheartedly forgive, and how to gratifyingly enjoy life, all while living for God.
While this was crushing, another special lady from our church departed from this earthly life. This did something to me. Heart wrenching. Heart breaking. Depression. Yes, I’m a faithful believer, but I didn’t want to get out of bed in the mornings, I wanted to wear sweats and eat all day. I didn’t want to leave the house or hang out with anyone. It felt like I was lost in a desert screaming for help.
However, there was only silence.
There was an emptiness that I felt and knew no material thing could buy: no food could fill.
LIFE!
Have you ever been dissatisfied with the direction your life was heading or the lack thereof? Let’s be honest, we’ve all scrolled through Instagram and wondered, “Why can’t I… I want… I need… I want to look like… It seems life is at a standstill. Motionless. Stagnant. While everyone else around you is gliding effortlessly through this thing we call “Life”.
It was then, in 2016 that I realized a void that can only be filled by THE source. This is important: “You” must allow time and space to grieve. Nothing is wrong with “you”! “You” are normal. “You” will cry. “You” can/might/will fall into a depression. “You” just can’t STAY there. It will take time, but oh my gosh, the strength of the Lord, “our” God is so powerful. HE will help you move forward. I realized that I will never be satisfied until I start living and walking in my God-given purpose. Only He could restore, revive, and rejuvenate my life. Only he could mend my broken heart. Psalms 34:18 (NKJV) quotes: “The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit.” I’m learning that just because moments in my life are silent doesn’t mean that God has left me. Hebrews 13:5 (NKJV) says, “Be content with such things as you have. For He, himself, has said, “ I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
WHAT A PROMISE!
I’m learning how to tell my feelings to “shut up,” as Heather Lindsey says, and how to move even when I don’t feel like it. I’m learning to be happy with my portion. I’m learning how to be content. I’m learning how to maintain better eating habits and drink more water. I’m learning how to take care of this temple that God has entrusted me with!
I hope that I have encouraged you to allow yourself the space to cry, scream, yell and cast all your cares to THE source! I hope that you will do something on your massive to- do list and smile. I hope that you will make a choice to follow your God-given purpose!
Don’t waste time waiting to be big enough or wise enough. God’s word is living, active, and relevant for “you” today. – Shereadstruth
Be encouraged,
Kimberly Stephens
I know those feelings to well. Life can catch us in a loop and we forget what were here for. I myself have struggled many times but then have to put the puzzel pieces back together again but with Jesus all in the mist it works perfect. Love you friend.
Absolutely! Love you too! We got this!
Loved reading this Kim! So proud of you. Oh, how I love our Savior!!!
Thank you! Thank you for reading!
Awesome blog, sis! I recently was contacted by an old friend on facebook that hadn’t seen me in 10 plus years (I’ve gained a lot of weight since then). After I convinced her I was pregnant…just fat, she told me I must be depressed. Hmmmm….I never considered that or even thought anything like that about myself but maybe I am…I guess I am…..I am. I’m not sure what to do to move forward to get out of this funk. your blog inspired me to start a Dear God Journal, hopefully this is a start in the right direction. Be encouraged friend, i love you!
* Should say *NOT pregnant….just fat.
Sis,
OMG! I used to get this ALL the time, and yes, it hurts. Be careful of what you let people speak into your life. We all get in a funk, we just can’t stay there! You are beautiful and you can always change a few things to shed a few pounds if you choose. It’s funny how weight can often “weigh” you down sometimes physically, mentally, emotionally. I am here for you! Try changing a few things in your daily schedule, walk more, eat more greens, eat more vegetables. You will be surprised at how different you will feel. It all starts in the Mind. Change your mindset. Love you!
Kimberly, this is a beautiful post, so real and honest. Thank you for opening up and sharing your story with us. I pray others will be blessed and find the courage to be real with God as you have.
By the way, welcome to the blogging world — you have a beautiful site. 🙂
Blessings and sparkles!
Marva!
Thank you so much for reading and I’m so glad you enjoyed it! Blessing and sparkles to you as well! I’m excited to be in the blogging world and can’t wait to work together!